Reconcile

Trigger Warning and Personal Note: The following poem is about about Bipolar disorder and some of its impacts. It also touches on childhood trauma and suicide in less obvious ways.

This poem is incredibly personal and I ask that you treat it as such. Up until recently, I worked in mental health and understand the complexity of people’s journey. I’ve also experienced mental health issues in my family and understand the complexity of walking along side someone who struggles. I love my family beyond everything, but there are days when the (self-imposed) pressure of holding everyone together becomes too much. On those days, poetry such as this bleeds out of me.

“Bipolar Disorder” by Sishir Bommakanti.
Colour found here on Pinterest

How do I reconcile all this? 
How do I be two people at once – 
one who’s always there for you 
and one who’s had enough?

You talk of childhood trauma 
as though it’s something new 
but we’ve been having the same talk for ten years 
wondering if you’ll ever heal

You blame your bad decisions on our parents – 
your formative experiences conflict with mine
yet you hold onto them so tightly
it’s hard to know what’s real anymore

The cycle of internal pain always surprise you 
while I’m here pulling you up again
taking the rope 
stopping the overdose of sorrow

Loyalty isn’t something you care about 
you never have and that’s okay  
but it makes me wonder why I’m so hell-bent 
on giving you mine

The strain’s becoming too much 
I’m caught between my life 
and the way you live yours –  
we’re so similar, yet so different

I wonder if I’m too judgemental  
if I shouldn’t simply leave you to run wild with your life  
stop being a voice of reason   
stop challenging your frantic thoughts –  
it’s not like I have it all together

How do I reconcile all this? 
How do I love you, when you’re two people at once –  
one who’s always there for you
and one who’s had enough? 


I don’t often publish poetry like this one; you have my WP friend VB to thank

💜

23 thoughts on “Reconcile

  1. I hear you. I feel you. I am you (along with 100s of thousands of others).
    Some of us enable until we discover (in my case, after 12+ years of intensive therapy) we must and can let go to save ourselves. Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reading Jeff and commenting with your own experience. I think in this last cycle, the ‘letting go’ has really hit home for me. Otherwise it’s like trying to steady an ocean buoy during a storm, it’s impossible and you get thrown around with it. 💜

      Like

  2. This has a lot of mirroring in living relationships, sometimes I wonder if I should speak with a relationship counsellor for myself and my own internal conflicts. Great poem, very relatable not only to internal experience but also external.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. After reading your poem, I was sitting in silence…speechless I was for a moment…while my head was nodding…so beautifully you’ve expressed such deep emotions…difficult to be in them at times…writing is therapy…it gives that breathing space…reconnection to self-love…I can relate to your heartfelt lines…the picture is slightly different though…Bree, be proud of yourself for writing & sharing this poem with us…I am…keep expressing, my dear friend ✨💟💫💟

    Liked by 1 person

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